Monday, October 25, 2010

The past few days I've found it useful to deny certain kinds of self-observations. Like when I feel tired, I don't even let myself feel that idea to consider it, I just deny it and let it disappear somewhere behind me. I've been trying to do the same thing today with thought patterns that it's easy for me to recognize as anxious and unproductive. I wonder if denying these thought patterns will be too dramatic a simplification of self. Maybe what I was saying to Amanda last night was true, that we think about our anxieties because we don't have anything else more interesting to think about. I want to have more interesting things to think about. I want to have constructive and positive things to think about. I fear that I am so disassociated from a positive and constructive state of mind (on some levels) that it will be a very slow and confusing process to inhabit one. Maybe not. Maybe in just stating that I'm inviting that kind of shift to happen quickly and painlessly.

My anxiety today is at a lower level than usual, but it's still there. Why do I feel so uncomfortable spending time "leisurely" writing when I still have obligations I might try and fulfill? Do I just not trust this process well enough yet to be productive? It is very un-concrete. When I'm fulfilling my obligations it's very concrete. In my mind I can cross things off my mental "todo" list and no longer spend any psychic energy on them. I feel like my amount of psychic energy to spend is far greater than most people though. I feel like the issue isn't so much removing drains as creating structures that harness and use my psychic energy in a more productive and constructive way. I think that a lot of my attention and thought is wasted on a day to day basis. But what would that productive structure be? I guess writing and thinking here is the beginning of one.

How does writing here transfer to the rest of my day? Obviously at some point I'm going to have to return Laura's board, I'm going to have to cook dinner, I might even try to clean the downstairs bathroom. It's logical to think that this stuff carries over because I'm not just creating some kind of textual artifact that I can look at later, I'm also creating and processing thoughts. Presumably doing so should benefit me throughout my day. I like to think of thinking as a linear process. I like to think of it as an accumulation where no thought is really negative, it's just a non-linear step that unlocks a broader range of thoughts in the future. This is based off of the idea that there aren't really any shortcuts. Sometimes you just have to think something to get to something more interesting than it because one thought is built on another. This makes sense to me. Do I really think that there's no such thing as unproductive thoughts? I guess I could make some distinctions. There's active thinking which is when I'm writing or having a conversation with someone, or even maybe going on a walk. In active thinking I'm drawing a line, I'm exploring a focused path because that is the nature of active thinking. And then as I explore these focused paths I enter new ambient "thought" spaces. Passive thinking is what I'm doing unconsciously while my mind is occupied with trying to problem solve or pay attention to something actively in my environment. Passive thinking benefits from active thinking because sometimes I feel like a space can be pretty well processed. Once this happens there's a huge capacity to think about stuff, but if the space is already processed, then that capacity is just spinning its wheels. Active thinking is a way of accreting data that I can then gain benefits from as I passively chew on it and transform it into things which are useful to me.

So can I control what passive thought spaces I'm entering? Can I choose a space that will specifically help me with certain kinds of problem solving? I'm not sure how I'd do that, but it would be nice if I could. I don't really understand active thinking because it seems like it follows such a random and twisting path. A chaotic path would be a good way to describe it. Why is it so chaotic and unpredictable? Is that just the nature of dealing with novel ideas and data? Is it fundamentally undesirable for it to be predictable? It seems to me like it would be okay if you could anticipate at least to a small degree in the future because that would facilitate positive behavior since you would be acting under the influence of perceived reward cycles. Of course you would then want to layer the reward cycles as deeply as possible so that it would influence you strongly towards positive action.

How does this all relate to what I need to do every day? There are a couple kinds of things I'm dissapointed in myself for not doing right now. There are things that I "need" to do which I'm procrastinating on. And then there are things that I want to do which I think could be really positive but that I'm not acting on. I guess I'm going to simplify those to categories into "needs" and "experiments." Why aren't I acting on my needs? I think the reason is connected to deep-seated anxieties about myself as a person and my ability to achieve set goals that have existed in me since childhood. One huge thing is that I've always set such lofty goals for myself. I would start to get ideas which I found enormously exciting and then I would never achieve them. Sometimes I would start the project, and I would discover that working to achieve these lofty goals wasn't as fun as I expected it to be. And then I think a part of my mind would click and go "Oh, that's why this beautiful thing that I want to exist doesn't yet, because it's really hard to make." Then I would lose confidence in my own ability to make that thing. Because if the amazing thing that I wanted to make was really difficult to create, then probably all the boring things that "smart people" were working on were really difficult to make too. And maybe then the reason that the beautiful thing I thought of didn't exist wasn't because no one had thought of it before (because, I'm hearing Matt's voice here :), what are the odds of that) but because people had thought of it before and the level of difficulty was just so far beyond all the more mundane things that I seem to be surrounded by that they didn't even attempt it. And if professionals at creating software or clothes or food or whatever could be so easily dissuaded, then what chance did I, as a self-taught amateur, to create something which didn't yet exist? Of course none of this might be true. I think it is far more likely than not that I really do have novel ideas. It's just that the novel ideas I have are so low-hanging to me, so easy to pick, that it's hard for me to understand why exactly no one else has seized upon them.

What am I going to do when I go downstairs? Now I feel like I have a lot of things to passively process that are interesting to me. The upshot might be that while I'm trying to cook or clean or whatever, I will feel antsy to get back to writing, and in thinking about all this stuff passively, I'll be distracted from what I'm actually doing which will make it a lot less enjoyable. It would be less enjoyable because I won't be able to focus fully on it and leisurely try to understand what I'm doing. Maybe it'll be less enjoyable because instead of having an excess of psychic energy to complete the task I'll have to be wrestling psychic energy from other considerations just to have the bare minimum to get whatever I'm doing done. I wonder if there's an easy way to layer considerations? An easy way to layer consideration of any arbitrary intellectual consideration with carrying out any arbitrary problem solving task. It seems like through synchronicity there should be some kind of dialogue of meaning between the two, where as I'm cooking it will have the ability to metaphorically comment on the other stuff I'm thinking about, but that can be really hard for me to recognize sometimes. Especially when I'm not very clear on what I'm trying to think about and just have a general sense of "excitement" bubbling in the background. I think that's part of the reason that I would desire so much to get back to the computer, because that's when I can focus my thinking and return to something really productive which is thinking about whatever it is that grabbed my attention or that I managed to uncover through active thinking. So does that mean that I have to become more effective at passive thinking? Probably. I think this would actually help me on a lot of levels because it would have the potential to make mundane "life" tasks feel more relevant because I would still be doing potentially interesting and relevant thought as I carried them out.

A big question to me, is what happens if I do think of something interesting? Presumably the fruit of any kind of intellectual pondering of any kind of intellectual or practical question is concepts, metaphors and ideas that can permanantly be used as tools in further thinking or in practical life. Say I'm cleaning the bathroom and I think of a tool: what do I do if I can't write it down? Say focused thinking on it would more likely than not lead me to a bounty of useful tools, what if I'm most likely not even going to remember that tool far enough into the future so that I can spend time actively processing it when I have a chance. Doesn't that make passive thinking dangerous? Because it creates opportunities that then cannot be capitalized on because of the nature of the situation in which they arose? Honestly I don't think it's that big of a deal because I don't think that thoughts are finite. I think that I'm going to be able to think of something relevant to work on when I'm actively thinking whether it's something that I specifically remembered to think about from earlier or if it's something that I'm just thinking of at the moment. But it is really interesting to me to try and look at the roots of that anxiety and understand where they come from. For me I think it really comes from wanting to be able to share things about myself that I feel are special that other people might also recognize the same things as special as well.

I guess that maybe for a long time I've wanted validation in the ways that I think I'm a unique and valuable person (not even going there, but "unique and valuable"? What's the significance of those two words?). It's hard because I feel like a lot of those things are somewhat hidden qualities, and I also feel like they're so specific and hard to understand without a background in certain kinds of concepts, that most people don't get them. So instead I'm recognized by the people around me for things that to me feel completely beside the point of the core of my identity. Like instead of being recognized for being somewhat of a genius philosopher (*cough cough*), for my optimism, for my perceptiveness, for my courage, for my common sense, for my creativity, for my patience, for anything like that, I'm thought of as "crazy" because of my hair, for instance. I'm thought of as "out there" because I don't know how exactly I'm supposed to introduce really complicated topics into casual conversation and so sometimes I just drop them in "randomly." I'm thought of as irresponsible, naive, lazy, God knows what else. Some things have something to do with my behavior, some things are just completely projected on to me. So the consequence is that I start to have trouble trusting my own perception of myself. But a lot of my philosophies and plans for my future are based on my own understanding of my own capabilities. So just by trying to achieve what I feel is important to me, I'm inescapably put into situations where I have to have some relationship to my own private self-understanding. I think then a lot of times I try to escape the situations where it feels like my sense of self might be furthered battered or undermined, and that leads to avoident behavior, because I'm trying to avoid being disappointed in myself. How I don't know. Probably just by getting further input from my environment that I have to try to muster the strength to disregard that I'm something which I feel like I'm not.

I feel like this might be the key to my problems with impulse control. What are the impulses I'm talking about? Escapist behaviors. Eating cookies, eating out, smoking cigarettes, looking at pointless websites, going for a walk instead of handling the practical tasks in front of me. I think they all come from, to some degree, me wanting to preserve a sense of myself by avoiding certain kinds of disappointing situations. The other thing that I associate with this is my childhood and teenager experience of starting to become "too excited to sit still" when I started to get to certain degrees of revelation in what I was thinking about or writing. I think that has to do with a transcendent idea of creation. I'm afraid of having good ideas past a certain point because to me having the good idea is almost the same as creating it, because deep down I really believe that I have the capacity to make anything. So I try to avoid developing ideas past a certain point because the blow of disappointment when I "fail" to create them and other people's perceptions of me are reinforced would be too great. I call this perspective transcendental because it's based on the belief that there are these sharp moments of consequence when either through thought I will make something incredibly awesome or that I will suffer a very hard blow. I guess this could correspond in science to the concept of "eureka!" moments. The funny thing is that this perspective no longer really accords to my current perspective of creation, which isn't to say which perspective is right or wrong. My current perspective is that everything is process. Yes there can be dramatic shifts, but they are always analog, there is a path that they come from and there is a path that they continue to follow into the future. This is opposed to the idea of digital "state changes" that are abrupt and then lead to confusion as one is left, disoriented, to try and figure out what to do next.

Honestly I think that a lot of this might come from symptoms of mild Asperger's. I like routine. I like things to be predictable. Indeed my "perfect future" is one in which I have created a routine which is perfectably adapatable and thus indestructibly predictable in its nature. At a certain point I'm quite simply afraid of change. And so I'm drawn to predictable comforting things like smoking a cigarette or eating or going for a walk, because they calm down and sooth the part of me that becomes agitated when I feel like my interior or exterior world is being rearranged. I'm not saying that this is bad. But I think it does lead me into practically annoying behavior patterns. What is a better perspective for me to take?

Do I have to just "bite the bullet" and accept that past a certain point I can't predict what my behavior or experience will be in the future? I think the fear here is that I'll be left half-way. Because this idea that the future is going to be permanently different is to a degree transcendent. The problem is that the feeling fades, and then as I settle back into normal routine I experience a feeling of disappointment or depression, which makes me more distrustful and afraid the next time I feel the transcendental feeling. So I could actually say that part of me craves transcendental and permanant change, which it does. And that this part is constantly let down by my own attempts to make that kind of change which leads to an undermining of my faith in myself. Is there a different set of expectations that I could have which would be more realistic? Something that would allow me to hedge my bets and just feel this feeling without having it knock me too off-balance? Or is the whole paradigm I have to understand what's going on wrong? What other paradigms might there be?

What is the fruit of introspection and self-inquiry? If I don't remember specific details of what I'm writing, if it doesn't change my experience of reality permanantly somehow, if my day to day behavior is still to some degree predictable, what is the fruit of self-inquiry? I would say that the fruit of self-inquiry is fundamentally unpredictable. Especially once you get past the point of the daily doubts and whatnot that seem to accumulate like plaque and you're really digging into territory that you have never travelled past before. I would say that the fruits are unpredictable.

Well, can I accept that the fruits are unpredictable and then abstract the situation in some manner so that I might take best advantage of these unpredictable fruit? What if the fruit is that it destroys my interest in the ordinary? I think part of the reason why I have an urge to go smoke a cigarette as I write this is that I want to go see if I still can. I'm afraid of losing that urge permanently. But such is life? And if I really want to be open to harvesting any kind of possibility, I should be open to any kind of change that doesn't go against my fundamental principles of who I want to be. The scary thing is that the change can be so permanent. What if I just stopped smoking? What if I just stopped eating meat? What if I just stopped drinking? I have such a black and white mentality in certain ways, which I have no problem with, and at a certain point I can't understand what this kind of writing is going to do beside institute permanent behavior changes. Am I willing to pay that cost? Not really. I like smoking, I like eating meat, I like drinking. I have complicated and nebulous relationships with each of them, but the only reason why I would try to eliminate them is because at a certain moment I would have "perfect self-control" and I would use that moment to become what I "always wanted to be," a perfect reflection of what I can rationally defend being to society. Of course I'm afraid of that happening because it's such a huge negation of self. I think that's part of the reason why it's so hard for me to use my "self-control" very effectively, because I'm not even using it to my own benefit in some situations I'm using it to become an object of societies pressures on me. Which is definitely not what I want to be.

This feels like a good stopping point, and I'm glad that I reached it. I would like to slowly "dismount" from this writing stance, back into a non-writing stance, and I would like to go outside, try to smoke a cigarette, and yet somehow feel like I'm not trying to avoid or leave behind all the energy and feeling and thought that I have unlocked through this process of introspection. Because I want to understand that this energy is positive, and that it isn't in the service of some kind of manic dissolution of self. Honestly, I wonder if that's part of the reason that I have such problems with exhaustion? That I'm worried that if I had more energy I would in some manner destroy myself and become an object of my shallow societal environment? That could very well be. And it'll be interesting to think about it in the future.

Monday, October 18, 2010

cynicism for the win....

People need to start recognizing when they say stupid shit to me. I think the most effective way will be to have people start recognizing that I'm not stupid.

As I get smarter do other people too? I believe so, and they'd better because people aren't that smart. But I don't want to lose any benefit from personally doing all the work I've been doing all my life. But there are still facts and metaphors that I understand which are so esoteric that I'd be very surprised if people spontaneously started to pick up on them. Which I feel is kind of fair even though I hate the philosophy of fairness on so many levels. Humans are a species, they're my species (presumably), I think it's okay if I have a complicated relationship with them. I don't feel like I owe many people shit because this society they run or accept and that they assume will take care of them in turn has been pretty fucking oppressive and sometimes even mean-spirited to me in my life. Not that I don't like individuals if they manage to become self-determined.

I feel like people are leeching off my Akashic records. Which makes a lot of sense. Society should have some method for motivating intelligent members with guilt, fear, sex, respect or money to get them into situations that will keep them under control while milking them for the kinds of ideas that culture knows how to process. Money with all its accumulated meaning is such an effective tool for doing this. It basically does serve the same function as the concept or reality of energy in that it limits what has the authority of causation to manifest.

I think it's important to recognize how powerful the concept of energy is in manipulating physical systems. If I could figure out a system for understanding the cause and effect of money, I would be incredibly well off. Because obviously it's an agreed upon system where we surrender our rights to a third party (money) in order that we are able to indirectly control each other. But it's probably been fifty generations since money was a choice to anyone even though it's a socially constructed reality. It's just the world people are born into and nowadays repressed or retarded by. And anything that encourages us to be inhumane to others is incredibly dangerous because that's how we lose our own humanity. I think people literally could become something approaching animalistic or demonic under its influence.

And then you start thinking of lies and the way almost everyone uses false statements which are expensive to disprove in order to exact tyranny on everything they can get away with. Because if someone says something is true it's impolite just to ignore them, right? And if you don't want to work within these completely distorted systems of control, if you feel like it's a waste of time to disprove them on their own unfair terms, then that gives the people using them an excuse to dehumanize you with all the atrocities that follow. Because if you're not "trying to be reasonable" then how can they ever get through to you? And then the only way they can defend their right to blind personal "gain" is through violence. The problem with these kinds of people is that they poison the whole communication process between reasonable people as well because of all the dysfunctional defensive habits reasonable people pick up. Which can incredibly easily become offensive like the original oppressors. These are the worst kind because they're usually more conscious and therefore self-righteous and effective in their manipulation.

The funny thing is that if physics are true, then the dynamics of money with all their destructive side-effects are as old as energy, i.e. the beginning of the universe. But the reason energy is a necessary concept is because it's the "simplest" abstraction for explaining reality that is completely mechanistic. Believing that nothing around you has a soul and that it solely exists as material to manipulate (as the omnipotent Judeo-Christian god manipulates us) has been very profitable historically.

All our taboos exist to maintain the status quo (which in this society is rich get richer, poor get poorer).

I'm so fucking paranoid, and no wonder! This is an incredibly pervasive repressive system.

Everybody in wester culture is always trying to intimidate. We have a transcendental view of history. How does that lead to everyone always trying to prove that they're better than everyone else? Because everyone believes that no one is "better" than them. Where does that come from? A fluid class system? But doesn't egalitarianism basically mean that everyone wants to be a part of the oppressive upper class? And if everyone plays fair and someone ends up being trampled then "them's the breaks." Obviously that's not ideal but it might be the best way to supplant people who don't play fair in their own immoral system?

I don't want to be complicit in things I believe to be evil.

My strength is that, unless I die, I know I'm moving towards a place where my survival is completely independent of all manifestations of this system. It will have no power over me, and it only works when it has power over people. That's why I'm so paranoid that I'm being specifically targeted and suppressed somehow. Not that I believe it, as a system, even has the capability to do that.

It's tricky though, because I do really believe, practically, that I'm the only person I know capable of making it to that point without help from anyone (beyond what they do in a reflexive way and which I am aware of and take into consideration; they being everyone).

People let you down and you can't count on them. Fact of life for me.

They're all just confused monkeys. It's beautiful and horrifying. It's not how they want to think of themselves, but their actions prove it to be the case, over and over again.

The sooner I don't depend on them for anything that matters to me the better.

But there's a lot more of them than me and if they decided as a group to kill me, which is possible, I'd be dead. Eventually. They play by their own fucked up system of rules and that's my advantage, they can understand anything which doesn't.

The problem is when they think they can use me to gain some kind of personal advantage. It makes them "protect" me, but that also makes them think they own me somehow, which leads to fucked up behavior. I don't like being disrespected. I don't like seeing anyone disrespected. And I'm not yet perfectly aware so it's still possible for me to be manipulated if I trust people.

In many ways I'm in the position of a partially self-aware invention beginning to conceive of itself as having the capability to be its own species. Probably pragmatically useful to me to start thinking of myself as my own biological species. Because I don't have a whole lot in common with these creatures. My goal is to be myself and survive.

That's pretty fucking weird. Oh well. I hope this isn't too dangerous of a thought.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Hoped to say what image failed to locate,
what it failed to map out in a grid of
inescapable connections that each picture holds.
And I saw a hawk with glowing lights
in its tail and I realized
that we can never conceive of such beauty
until we see it.
Because in the future
the beautiful will literally be a lamp
with lights from God knows where
which paints itself onto plants and our skin
and eyes
just as surely as it places itself
in our perception.
Can you imagine lamps which live?
Which curl and sleep and
breathe and bounce?
Our nearest imagination is
A small flat glowing pane
or the magnificent wall of a theater
which we all submit our
humility and smallness to.
I'm trying to imagine
Because there are also a thousand
Metaphors and concepts in these creatures.
What is light, what is light.
Why do we need it to connect us?


When I see your hand
I see a lot of things.
I see feelings
I see the unremembered,
Because it never was,
clear as ice on a sunny day.
And if you would tell me I was tall
I would believe you
Because I won't argue with the divine
When it is in front of me
Even though that may be my nature.
When I am punished by
Failing,
Mistaking a spoon for a
consideration, ache for coffee,
I remember that I am still young
And that I can almost see
The tapestry which holds me so close
to it.
When I have mastered my own
doubts, my ability to doubt,
In my dreams I am already a king
And you are the earth
Upon which I lay my bare feet.
Summer has left us
Sparrows pick in and out of everything
Looking for the gleanings of the careless.

Here's the thing about iPads

saturday morning

Today without imagination I will
Go downstairs
And find a rake
And mow the lawn
And feel good about it.
I fell into the past
It was interesting
Instead of moving forward
I always moved backwards
And it felt like progress.
My love slept.
Beautiful as usual.
I hoped so much
To be able to take care of her
Because I was so curious
To see what she could be
With real tending
And not all the hardships
Which she has suffered.
My body was totally
Invisible to me.
Clocks ran backwards and forwards
Much work already lay behind me.
If the hopes of the future are
Bonded to the past
Doesn't that give you incredible strength
To realize dreams?


I understand everything you're saying
But what if while all this
Was happening
I was smoking a cigarette?
Wouldn't that be cool?
I think it would just add
Another layer
Of what the fuck is going on
To the whole proceedings.
Oh, oh, and I could be barefoot!
In cutoffs!
And I could have a fro!
People will be like,
Did I imagine this?
And that will make the things
They do imagine
More real.
It's like we're tricking them
But there's no trick!
It's just how things are!
Maybe someday they'll give me treats!
And I will smile!
What a strange community.
Nothing gets my cousin,
He is above all bullshit.
I admire that
Immensely.


The spoken word
Is so similar to verse
In all its tangents and interruptions.
Who wants to finish a thought?
We want to be open to God right?
And that's how we make the next line
And the next.
We keep mumbling,
And these mothers and fathers from the suburbs
Go see the game with their
Sorority daughters
And I cough
One more time without dying.
What're the odds?
The things I wanted to say
Aren't said and they lie in me like seeds
Ready to sprout at the right opportunity.
I carry holy writs in my pocket which
Makes them profane.
I want to be interrupted by periods
And by the ends of thoughts and by the end of
Lines.
Is that too much to ask as a poet?
Exclamation points and question marks just being
periods with hats.
This is understood, right?
We understand this?


The writer who sells who he is so that
he can survive is a prostitute.
Not a holy maker, not an artist, but
a prostitute.
I don't want to prostitute myself because
I don't feel like I have to.
And in this and that case why would I?
Case being a form of a verb or a
particular situation among many I might
hypothetically or in reality find myself in.
Every sentence is a paragraph.
Every thought doesn't deserve to be treasured,
but it is anyway.
Because I'm not evil and I honor
everything that I can.
(not that those two things have to be
connected)
My needs, for the most part are transitory.
Questions I ask myself and then which
I am drawn like a magnet to answer.
"I need candy" is transformed into
"What if I ate candy?"
And I'm so fucking curious that it's almost
the same thing.
I don't understand how I got here, but
I think pot makes you smarter, like
a whirlwind keeping time.


I don't wish to substitute words for doing.
I want thinking to have its own subjects that
are separate from action.
Call me crazy.
Most people have.
So I write in this space of words and it has
nothing to do with what I need to get done.
Such is life, and I appreciate it.
Because I'm always thinking, even when I'm working.
So if I can identify thinking as a process and
honor it, I become better at something I'm doing
all the time.
I think about typing it all up so that I can share
it with my sweetheart, so that she can know all
the things that it seems pointless to try and share when
we're together.
Because that's a different way of thinking and it's really
important to me too.
How much do I make?
Do I tear at the grass with metal teeth and a
handle until it is green as flowering snow?
The earth's hair and fur laid bare and clean to
us all so that there is no confusion between it
and anything else?
I could.
Is that destructive?
Is it kind?


Walnuts fall like bombs.
Or missed baseballs that you simply pick
up and throw again.
It makes me think of epiphanies, of Newton
sitting under a walnut tree this time.
Is that story about how we know nothing
without the help of trees?
I wrote like man possessed and the simplest
story is that I was possessed.
By everything that chose to speak through me.
I wonder what kind of love that is, if there's
a word for it in some dead but highly
practical language.
Arbosa.
Arbate.
Argary.
Agorali.
Aorti.
Aortus.
Artus.
And things become clearer and less clear.
New questions beg to be answered.
And my artus for them demands that I take
on that burden of time.
Because everything is fed by the time of souls
in one way or another.
Is that clarity?


Can you read this?
"I already have, I already did, I will," my dreams
reply.
I am stung by inequity when I see it.
It makes me slow and it makes me suffer.
Are there three things?
Bees, flowers, and that which intrudes?
Which may be stung?
Do bees sting each other?
I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
My gut tells me I'm hungry.
My mind tells me there's food inside.
My fears tell me that nothing important
manages to hold together.
It causes pain, that fear.
Are fears by definition lies, or is the world more
complicated than I would wish it to be?
God knows everything, so God knows.
And yet who am I to believe in God?
Myself especially, who am I?
Can any salve justify the pain I have seen and
been a part of?
Can anything justify pain?
Can anything justify God or one if its creatures
living beyond their means?
I don't know.


God is genderless, God is inhuman.
This terrifies the human soul.
But gender is a fact, a thought and an
invention.
It has not always been.
Before gender we were one.
So am I to say that we will never
Split in such a final way again?
Because how do you destroy a thought once
it has been created?
Once it has been recognized?
Or do you just forget and then forget what
it even means to remember?
Memory is like a cloth that we bury
our faces in.
Memory is like an ark that lifts us up above
the seas of collective fears and doubts and
angers.
Noah was an amateur ship builder, and yet
professionals made the Titanic.
Meaning don't we all have the ability to make
perfect memories if we're led to?
Whose to say we don't?
Whose to say which memories are imperfect?
Because some memories are morally wrong
and if we are to be right they shouldn't
be killed, but can they be forgotten?